just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
