Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
