I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
