sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
