from now on my penis is your penis
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
