i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
