those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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