so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize