There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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