Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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