wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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