dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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