went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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