i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
