Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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