I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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