9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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