He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
