I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
