Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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