Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
