Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
