i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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