This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
