I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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