Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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