I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
