I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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