last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
where are my eyebrows?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
