I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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