Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
