you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
