After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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