My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize