if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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