I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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