he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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