Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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