Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
