dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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