Having a random hookup so left but love u
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
