That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I checked into jail on foursquare
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
