yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
