you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
