a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
