Yo dont text me then not text me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
