My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What a dumb baby whore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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