Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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