had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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