Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there's paper in my vomit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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