So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
