I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
