The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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