I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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