He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
