This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
