I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize