I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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