I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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