Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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