You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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