I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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