I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
