i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
