Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
