I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Pooping to opera.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
