I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
